Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Thong
by AppleJuiceMaster
Summary: As the title says, it's a parody on the Philosopher's Stone (stating the obvious) Of course, this one is much more offensive and.. more insane. Read at own risk!


Disclaimer: I do not own anything. No owning, no suing.  
  
Now, I know people probably will be offended by this, but believe me, it's all meant in a funny way and I hope you'll understand.  
  
****  
  
Old man (Dumbledore obviously): *vandalises all the street lamps* Whoo hoo, hooligan for life!! Oh look, a kitty! *gets out his lighter* Burn kitty, BURN!!  
  
Cat: *transforms into a woman* Act your age, Albus!  
  
Dumbledore: Right. Sorry...  
  
McGonagall: Where's the kid?  
  
Dumbledore: What kid?!  
  
McGonagall: *sighs* the kid we're supposed to be dropping off.  
  
Dumbledore: *thinks hard* Oohh yeah... The kid... riiiight...  
  
McGonagall: Don't tell me you forgot.  
  
Dumbledore: Of course not! I'm not here for nothing... The big guy is bringing him, and what a coincidence, there he is!  
  
A huge motorcycle falls out of the sky, with an even bigger man  
  
Dumbledore: No problems, Hagrid?  
  
Hagrid: Nope, the lil' tight fella fell asl-  
  
Dumbledore: Dids you just say, 'tight'?!  
  
Hagrid: Yeah, yeah, I did.  
  
Dumbledore: How would you know anything about his tightness?  
  
Hagrid: Well, I just assumed he-  
  
McGonagall: Let's just drop the kid off, alright!!  
  
Dumbledore: Right. *lays the kid on the doormat* Good luck, Harry Potter!  
  
Hagrid: Where's that lame arsed music coming from?  
  
McGonagall: The cops are coming!!  
  
Dumbledore: Shit! RUN!!  
  
********  
  
Stupid bitch: *banging against the cupboard door* WAKE UP!! NOW!!  
  
Harry: *immediately wakes up* Oohh... hangover...  
  
Stupid nephew: Wake up, Potter! We're going to the club!!  
  
Harry: Piss off!  
  
Petunia: Cook dinner and don't *burn* anything!!  
  
Harry: *throws some pizza's in the microwave*  
  
Some time later...  
  
They're in a large, crowded place, with loud techno music playing  
  
Dudley: *running around with glowsticks* Look, mummy! I'm a real raver!  
  
Petunia: Aw, he's sooo cute!  
  
Vernon: That's my boy!  
  
Harry: No one pays attention to me, so I'll just be over there.  
  
He walks into an other room, full of cries of pain and the sounds of whips smacked against flesh  
  
Harry: I like it here... *picks up a whip* Hmm... leathery *smacks it against someone's arse, who screams* (talking to the whip) just ignore him, he doesn't know what how it is to be slapped against buttocks day after day...  
  
Whip: Are you telling me that YOU do?!  
  
Harry: Wouldn't you like to know? *winks*  
  
Whip: ...Freak!  
  
Dudley comes raving into the room  
  
Dudley: Mummy! Look! You'll never believe what Harry's doing with that whip!  
  
Harry: *drops the whip* Must be talking about some other Harry...  
  
The whip slithers away like a snake and smacks Dudley's arse before disappearing  
  
Dudley: AARGHH!!  
  
Petunia: Aahhh! Duddie kins!!  
  
Harry: *laughs sadistically*  
  
Vernon: *notices and scowls*  
  
Harry: Oh shit...  
  
Back at home...  
  
Vernon: WHAT DID YOU DO?!!  
  
Harry: Nothing! It just attacked Dudley by itself!!  
  
Vernon: There's no such thin as selfmoving leather whips who smack small boys' arses by itself!  
  
Next day...  
  
Harry: *checking the post* Spam, spam, spam, spam, bill, spam, spam spam, Harry Potter, spam, spa- 'HARRY POTTER'?!!  
  
Dudley: Like, OMFG, H4rr7s g0t, liek, j00 no, 4 lettah!  
  
Vernon: Right, no more AIM for you!  
  
Dudley: Sux0rz...  
  
Vernon: Anyway, who would be writing to him! *looks at letter and glares at Harry*  
  
Harry: Oh shit, part two...  
  
The following days, more letters arrive  
  
Vernon: Fine day, Sunday. You know why, Dudley?  
  
Dudley: *shrugs*  
  
Harry: 'Cause there's no porn on Sunday?  
  
Vernon: No! Because there's no POST on Sundays!  
  
Harry: Ah, right... POST. *looks outside and sees a whole damn lot of owls* what the-  
  
Vernon: Hmm... sweet, sweet cookie...  
  
A letter flies across his nose  
  
Vernon: Damn! Lost my concentration!!  
  
Suddenly hundreds of letters fly trough the fireplace  
  
Harry: WHEEEEE!! *tries to catch one but fails all the time* Damn! *finally got one and runs away*  
  
Vernon: *Catches him*  
  
Harry: Paedophile!!  
  
Vernon: Shut up!! We're going away!  
  
Some hut, some where.  
  
Harry: *softly singing* Happy Birthday, to me, Happy Birthday, to me... Happy Birthday Mr. Presid- I mean, Mr. Potter, Happy Birth-  
  
SUDDENLY the door slams open  
  
Harry: Holy crap!!  
  
Vernon: Argh! Be scared, I've got a gun!  
  
Hagrid: Piss off *eats the gun*  
  
Vernon: You'll hear from my lawyer!!  
  
Hagrid: Hello, Harry! Still tight?  
  
Harry: ...What...  
  
Hagrid: Happy Your-mum-and-dad-fucked-eleven-years-and-nine-months-ago!  
  
Harry: Uhm... thanks... I guess.  
  
Hagrid: Have some cake!  
  
Harry: Thanks again, but I'm on a diet. *throws cake away* Who are you?  
  
Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid, Kepper of stuff at Fuh-Qtwats. You know all about Fuh-Qtwats, of course.  
  
Harry: Err, no...  
  
Hagrid: No?! Blimey, never wondered where your mum and dad learnt it all?  
  
Harry: Learnt what?!  
  
Hagrid: You're a gigolo, Harry!  
  
Harry: I'm a... what?!  
  
Hagrid: A gigolo. And a good one, when you're trained up a little. Read the damn letter already!  
  
Harry: Oh, right! "Dear Mr. Potter, we're pleased to inform you that you've been accepted at Fuh-Qtwats, school for professional whoring..."  
  
Vernon: He's not going!  
  
Hagrid: And I suppose a great Shithead like yourself is gonna stop him?!  
  
Harry: "Shithead"?  
  
Hagrid: Non gigolo/whore people  
  
Vernon: We've sworn to make an end at this rubbish!  
  
Harry: YOU KNEW!  
  
Petunia: How could you not be, with my perfect sister being who she was! Mother and father were soooo proud the dad she got her letter. We have a whore in the family. Isn't that nice?! Then she met that Potter and got you-  
  
Hagrid: *suddenly wakes up* Huh what?! Oh yeah, right, good speech, lovely. Come on, Harry, we've got to get back!  
  
Harry: Back where?  
  
Hagrid: BACK TO THE FUTURE!  
  
Harry: Wow!  
  
Hagrid: I mean... London.  
  
Harry: Aw, damn... Okay!  
  
~~~~End of first chapter!~~~~~  
  
Be afraid, be very afraid! Review or face my wrath!! 


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